We woke up in a daze. Another day started with a diaper change, nursing, burping, and then watching her eyelids slowly fall…knowing that they’d open in an hour and a half to start the whole thing over again. Luke left for work and I started to cry. I managed to get myself together and eat a cup of applesauce for breakfast. I looked down at my sweet little baby and felt so full. Drained. Grateful. She was supposed to come four days before but she had been with us for a couple of weeks already.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
We had a plan. A new plan. The c-section was scheduled and I had mentally started to prepare – see the post below. But the doctor called and said there were issues with my lab work up. We went into the hospital to run some tests and after 4 hours and an emergency c-section our baby came out and into the world. Another change of plans. It wasn’t what we expected but it didn’t matter. She was now safe and healthy.
Fast forward past the first two weeks of hormone crashes, anxiety attacks, and learning how to take care of this little human. And we had made it to Valentine’s Day. I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day. You’ve heard it before – why do you need a special day to tell your significant other that you love them? But on this day I’ve never wanted a stereotypical Valentine’s Day more in my life. I wanted the flowers. I wanted the date. I wanted the chocolate. It was all so…not me. It was all the panic of a new mom wishing for the days when she didn’t have any responsibilities that involved keeping another person happy, fed, alive.
We never did anything special on that day together. While Luke worked at a hotel job he hates, I was in another daze of every two hours going through the motions of taking care of a baby. But she is our baby. And that night, when I looked down at my daughter eating and my husband sleeping next to me, knowing that I smelled bad because I hadn’t showered that day or brushed my teeth in two…it was romance. It was real. Because I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything in the world. There is no fanfare for that kind of real life romance. It isn’t glamorous. It isn’t forbidden or lusty. It just is. It is the day to day. But it is spectacular. The romance comes from the fact that we chose each other. We chose to start a family. We chose to accept plans – and our lives – changing. And we don’t need a special day to celebrate that. Knowing that we choose each other every day is a celebration in and of itself.
Making space for rest. 